I've lost my job twice and I'm depressed - KOKOL3T

Growing up, whenever I don't come out of school with the best grade, my father beats me until my body bleeds blood. Also whenever I make mistakes at home, he does the same. He beats me with belt, leather, canes, wires and literally anything he finds. I grew up very scared, I'm not allowed to bring friends home/keep them. I am now 36years old and I'm always afraid. Growing up, I was very quiet and barely talk, I don't find people's troubles but I never escaped beatings from my dad one way or the other. Till this day, I'm still scared of authorities or anyone in power, I've lost my job twice because I couldn't muster courage/confidence in tough situations when engaging my bosses. My voice shakes in any official public speaking situation and caused a vote of low confidence in the eyes of my bosses. I feel like I'm destroyed and it brings tears to my eyes. I've tried to seek help, but I couldn't afford the fees. I feel free when I keep to myself doing my thing and when I'm on a job without feeling my bosses breathing down my neck.