I need no pity, I just want ways forward - KOKOL3T

I know its easier to send thoughts and prayers, but that's not what I'm here for. I'm 36, have 2 master degrees, worked here and there across 3 countries, i'm now back in my home country, and long story short, i'm a step away from hunger- as i've alwyays been all my life even when working. The thing is I've tried everything humanly possible. RN, I'm thinking of going 'evil' like joining a Mafia or just anything to make me feel useful to myself and make progress as a human being. I can't keep friends for long, because I see through every pretense, not because I'm special but because I grew up abused by my father and mother being severely beaten and severely gaslighted all my life that I could hear their voice in my head condemning me everywhere I go and in every decision I make. I grew up in a 'christian' family and attended churches all my life until I stopped because I can see through the bullshit now. I also understand now that your government does not give a shit about you and will even take you out if you become 'too good' for them and they consider you a threat. Everyone I've met is kinda desperate to reach some goal and will bury you without a second thought if they consider you not so useful in achieving their goals anymore. So, now i'm at that crossroad where I don't believe in the concept of 'god', religion and men are even worse. I've learned several sk*lls that I can't even list which i'm good at, but it is impossible for me to make connections...I know life is unfair and there are people who have it worse than me, but this knowledge doesn't make it any better. I don't even know why I'm writing this here, I don't know what answers I'm hoping to get.

Sometimes, against all odds, you just have to move on buddy. You have to find strength within yourself coz as a matter of truth, no one really gives a dime. good luck